How I, Thranduil, Saved Middle Earth
by SparklesAreMyLife
Summary: The traditional story of the Battle of the Five Armies is all wrong. Here, Thranduil, the King of Mirkwood, tells us the tale of how HE was the true hero of that battle.


**Hey Everyone! So, I was bored one day during a lecture thing at church, and they gave us paper to take notes on, but of course, that wasn't going to happen. Instead, I wrote this. It is a CRACK-FIC, so be warned! This is the product of my insane, slaphappy brain, so ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit, and I was sort of inspired to do this by author mbus55, who wrote several fanfiction pieces where the characters retold the stories so that **_**they**_ **were the heroes of Middle Earth, so I want to acknowledge that that's where I got the idea for this from. :)**

**The Battle of the Five Armies (or, How I Saved Middle Earth)**

_**by Thranduil, Almighty Elf-King**_

Once upon a time, I discovered that the band of wretched dwarves that had previously escap….. no, _were set free_ from my dungeons (it is impossible to escape from there, you see) had somehow managed to survive an attack by the dragon Smaug, and by some witchcraft, gotten Smaug killed! (Although later I did find out that it was a Man, not a Dwarf, who had done so. Humans are incapable and useless compared to me, but it makes more sense than a completely incompetent _dwarf _managing to slay a dragon.)

The fact that the dragon was dead meant that those dwarves had their filthy, disgusting hands all over my precious white gems of Lasgalen! And since Thorin freaking Oakenshield is a greedy, pig-headed, greedy, obnoxious, … did I mention greedy? oaf, I knew he'd never let me have my precious gems back. How rude!

I was sure of this both because of the fact that Thorin is annoyingly greedy, and also because for some INSANE reason, Thorin doesn't like me! _ME! Thranduil!_ King of the majestic land of Mirkwood! How could he not like _me!?_ Did he even _see _my face?! It is pure perfection. And let's not forget my luscious, flowing, golden hair. It is worth more than all of Thorin's stupid treasure!

But anyways, where was I? Oh yeah: Thorin and his dumb nitwit friends were in the Lonely Mountain with all of Smaug's treasure and he wouldn't give me my precious starlight gems. So, I sent my fabulous golden (to honor my hair) elven army to attack the mountain.

I brought some food and stuff for those useless and insignificant Men of Lake-Town, not because I was being nice, but so that they would stay out of my way and I could attack. But that stupid Bowman guy decided that talking to the dwarves would work, and wouldn't even listen to me when I said it was a dumb idea. Oh well, no harm done there. Itt just got me a new ally in my cause against the dwarves.

Later, Gandalf showed up and was all like, "Stop trying to fight the nice Dwarves and fight the big, bad Orcs that are coming instead!"

Now, some people think that I was blinded by my dwarf-hate and didn't believe Gandalf, but they got the story _all _wrong. I knew those orcs were coming. I was just pissed that Gandalf was defending the dwarves! So I ignored him.

And next comes a part that most people get wrong, too. You see, this short guy, Gildo or something, came and gave us the Arkenstone to bribe Thorin with. But what _actually_ happened was that I used my AMAZING, MAGICAL, FABULOUS powers, made myself invisible, and transported myself to the Lonely Mountain to steal the Arkenstone. Then I _gave_ it to Filbo or whatever, so that people wouldn't accuse me of stealing, because I have a reputation of perfectness to uphold, remember?

You may ask why I didn't just steal the star gems then, but that is because _not_ having them gave me an excuse to kill Thorin the Obnoxious, Greedy Dwarf!

Anyways, moving on. After we got the Arkenstone, we marched on the mountain the following day. Let me just say that my army looked so shiny and awesome, because it matched my hair! We tried bribing Thorin with the Arkenstone, but he was dumb and didn't take it (of course, I already knew that was going to happen, me being all omniscient and whatnot), and instead, Thorin wanted to fight! And then, dear readers, I can honestly say that I was surprised. Not because his little dwarf cousins came from the… wherever they came from, but because the fat, ugly one on a pig (that, I have to say, was less fat and ugly than he was) had the audacity to call me a 'faithless woodland sprite' and threaten to split my head open! How _dare_ he!

Then I got all mad, so when the orcs that I knew were coming finally showed up, I didn't want to help those dwarves. They were insolent and churlish toward me, so they were going to get what they deserved: death. End of story.

But then, Gandalf and Tildo or whatever his name is, were all like, "OH MIGHTY THRANDUIL, SAVE US WITH YOUR ASTOUNDING AWESOMENESS! SAVE US, FOR WE CANNOT BEAR TO DIE AND BE PARTED FROM THE VISION OF GORGEOUSNESS THAT IS YOUR FACE!"

And what can I say? I couldn't deprive anyone of the joy of looking upon my face, even if it meant I had to save an annoying, insolent dwarf.

I sighed, rode to the front lines, jumped over the puny dwarves with my majestic elk, and gave the Orcs the nastiest death glare ever seen on the face of Middle Earth.

All the orcs immediately dropped their weapons and cowered in fear, begging for my mercy. Alas, they were all gross looking and ugly (quite unlike myself), so I had to kill them. Plus, I think those Gundabad Orcs may have been the ones who had something to do with the death of my wife. So, I singlehandedly slaughtered all of them except one, this white orc guy. Instead, I sent him to 'accidentally' kill Thorin, so nobody would blame me.

That way, Thorin was dead, and everyone else was happy, because _I_ saved the day! They all spent the entire following five years in celebration of my glorious deeds, and to commemorate the occasion, all of Middle Earth throws me a week-long party every year.

**The End**

**Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this insane story! Please review if you liked it!**


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